decisions

I'll post a real entry tonight or tomorrow, but for now...if y'all get bored of me posting what I write on Monday night, just say so!
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Sara hated decisions. Simple decisions like where to go to dinner or huge, life-altering decisions like what to do with the rest of her life. It didn't really matter--she hated them all. She stood long at the fork in the road, stretching her vision as far as she could down the roads lying before her. She saw all the positives--and all the negatives. Sometimes, every choice seemed right, other times every choice was wrong. In the end, Sara was simply terrified--of being wrong, of being unhappy...of being right.

A decision lay before Sara that spring. Her 2 year commitment to the school in South Central Los Angeles was coming to an end. She had paid her dues, kept her promise and now, she could go home--back to her family and friends, back to the familiar and the safe. She could stay too--her principal reminded her of this every day. The group of kindergarteners that Sara had fallen in love with 2 years ago would be hers in the fall. She was about to finish her Masters' work and could put all of her focus and energy into teaching in her third year. She had stuck it out this long after all--she could try one more year, right?

As she stood on the beach, knee-deep in the Pacific Ocean, she wasn't so sure. Everything seemed backwards here--the ocean was west and the mountains were east. It had been a hard 2 years--and while hard could be good, and hard had taught her some good lessons, it shouldn't have to be this hard forever. She'd lived in an apartment with 3 other teachers for 20 long months. They were supposed to be a community, support for one another. Instead, Sara felt alone and suffocated at the same time. While she had made a few good friends, this was L.A.--everyone lived at least 30 minutes away and when the workday went from 7 AM until 6 PM, all she wanted to do in her free time was sleep--unless there was planning or grading to do.

Leaving L.A. behind seemed like the easy answer. There were schools back east after all--there were even plenty of inner-city Catholic schools in cities where she'd be surrounded by family and friends...where weekends could be fun and relaxing, instead of stressful days spent avoiding roommates.

So why was there a voice in the back of Sara's head telling her to stay? Everytime she saw the smiling faces that would fill her classroom if she stayed, she felt a little tug. There were 3 sets of twins and 2 sets of cousins, making the class a bit of a family affair. There were several class clowns who would be a handful for sure, but they'd also keep things fun. Then, of course, there was Carol, who won Sara's heart every time she said her own name, "Cawowe"--Rs and Ls didn't come easy. Also, Sara had finally earned the respect of the middle school girls she had coached in basketball. She had fought for 5 long moths to gain their trust and plant herself firmly on their side. Most of the team would be in 8th grade the following year. How could she walk away now?

In the end, Sara realized, it boiled down to her greatest fear. Either way, she was letting someone down.