sacrifice and happiness

Last week in my CLC, one of the girls in my group, a frosh, said that her roommate is taking a spirituality class and they're talking about the saints. K and her roommate got into a discussion about how most of the saints gave up everything they had to serve/follow God. Her question was, Is that what we all need to do? Suddenly, every pair of student eyes in the room turned to me. Like *I* was supposed to have the answer or something! Little did they know I struggle with the same questions to an extent.

I told them what I truly do believe...that there are many ways of following and serving God. In the end, if we all gave up everything and became poor, there would be no one to help the poor! Holy Cross' motto is men and women for others. It's an ideal they pound into our heads from the acceptance letter to the diploma. It's an ideal and a motto that many of us, myself included, come to own. Last year at this time, I began looking for a new job. In the end, it came down to a teaching job at an inner-city, Catholic girls middle school and this job at HC. I felt like I was being asked to choose between everything HC expected me to be and HC itself. I've already established here in the blog how I feel about decisions. It was 3 days of tears and frustration. In the end though, I had to look at the whole picture. There are many ways of serving/following/loving God and others. While I have no doubt that I would have LOVED the teaching job, the sacrifice would have been bigger. There wouldn't have been the friends and community in the area that I have in MA...my days and nights would be spent living and breathing the classroom. I sacrificed a lot my first 3 years out of college when I was in LA. I don't regret a minute of it because I loved those kids and I learned a lot. But it was time to look at what was best for me in the moment and in the long run. This job at HC put me geographically in a place where I'm surrounded by friends and close to family. I have a life outside of work and I'm loving it. And I *am* serving...HC shaped me in so many important ways...and every day, I get to thank the people who help make the College what it is. Every day, I recognize that without the generosity of others, I wouldn't have enjoyed the College experience, with all its joys and challenges, that I was blessed to live for 4 years. I try to serve in other ways too (which leads me to the fact that I'll be leading an hour of the Rosary this Friday evening at a local church. Don't even ask...not sure how that happened!)

It was (and still is) very hard to feel like I didn't "sell out" by taking this job, though. That I didn't walk away from a calling to be with those girls in Baltimore. I feel so guilty about it that every time I'm asked what I do, I tell people about my current job, but find a way to say "I used to be a teacher and I'll go back to that someday." Whenever people ask me if/when I'll go back to teaching, the answer is always, "Yes, of course!" And while that may be true...and while I love teaching and think that it's the best job in the world in a hundred ways, why can't I just say, "You know, I really like what I'm doing now. It's interesting and engaging. The people I work with are fabulous and I'm learning a lot. Maybe I'll do it forever." Because that's true too. However, if I say that, I feel like I've turned my back on my kids...like I've sold out on being a woman for others and am more concerned about myself.

Anyway, that's what's been rattling around in my head for the last week and I finally have a minute to write about it. I was amazed that this student was struggling with such a big question, grateful that she was brave enough to share her struggle with all of us and impressed with the way that her peers followed my comments with questions and opinions of their own.

if the world is night, shine my life like a light (let it be me, indigo girls)