...guilt
So, the prompt is guilt and last Friday's post seemed to kick it off well for me. It's also the area of my life that prompts the most guilt. I'm far from a perfectionist, but I *am* a people-pleaser. I want nothing more than for everyone to like me. There is nothing I hate more than thinking that I'm letting someone down.
My mom's call on Friday wasn't aimed to make me feel guilty (I don't think)...she was just being her--and at the last minute thought that it would be fun for me to surprise my dad and good to have me home. She was right, of course, but I had planned on spending a quiet weekend at home after working the 3 weekends previous. 3 hours in a car to NJ, and 3 hours back to MA first thing Monday morning didn't factor into my plans. And yet, dutiful daughter that I am, I hopped in the car and took the Pike to 84 to the Merritt and arrived in NYC for my mother's cousin's ex-husband's musical.
I have guilt, as I've mentioned here before, about leaving teaching. Though I have a feeling I'll be back in a classroom someday, I feel guilty for liking my current job, for "abandoning" inner-city kids. I feel guilty about putting my own needs before the needs of the world. I need to "fix" things even if helping to fix them isn't necessarily in my own best interest.
It's a work in progress. I think I'll always feel obligated to be at every family party, funeral, celebration and hospital vigil. However, this year and this job have taught me that sometimes carrying the guilt on my back and doing what's best for me anyway can work out incredibly well. Progress not perfection, my principal used to say.
However, a huge Irish-Catholic family, 22 years of Catholic education and many a nun along the way, I don't think guilt will ever leave me!
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5 comments:
"my mother's cousin's ex-husband's musical."
ha kris! this is really stretching being there for your family!! i hope it was a good time in the big city once you got there.
i was brought up catholic and know you-have-to guilt quite well. these day i try to either do something with it or let it go.
if only our choices could and would save the world. reading your blog reminded me of a quote i find pretty helpful sometimes:
"don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive, and then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who come alive."
(harold whitman)
miss seeing you!
kj
LOL, well, I went home for Father's Day...but the musical was a hilarious side-trip!
I love that quote, it's always been a favorite. HC's motto is "men and women for others." It's hammered into our heads from the moment we're accepted til the moment we walk across the stage at Commencement. It's a motto that I tried my best to live (somewhat successfully) during and after my time here. I think I still am, just in a different way.
I'm working on it, A. I do miss teaching for other reasons besides the guilt...I loved that time in my life. But I also know that, right now, I'm making the best choices for me and I'm happier than I've been in ages!
kris & a: all this has gotten me thinking. i see so many people who put others first to great personal cost to themselves and the people they love. (to me, there's nothing worse than seeing a martyr struggle with sainthood).a friend once said to me, "kj, i'll give you 100% of what i have to give at the time. it might not be enough, but it's all i have".
i guess that's where i'm at. i try to give freely, and generously. i think i am a good friend, daughter, partner, mother, coworker, etc. but if/when giving of myself touches the fringes of resentment, guilt, oris bad for me in some way, that might be more than i can afford.
ps i'm not implying either of you approach this differently--i'm just thinking outloud.
:)
kris & a: all this has gotten me thinking. i see so many people who put others first to great personal cost to themselves and the people they love. (to me, there's nothing worse than seeing a martyr struggle with sainthood).a friend once said to me, "kj, i'll give you 100% of what i have to give at the time. it might not be enough, but it's all i have".
i guess that's where i'm at. i try to give freely, and generously. i think i am a good friend, daughter, partner, mother, coworker, etc. but if/when giving of myself touches the fringes of resentment, guilt, oris bad for me in some way, that might be more than i can afford.
ps i'm not implying either of you approach this differently--i'm just thinking outloud.
:)
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