A great leaf, that God and you and I/ have covered with writing/ turns now, overhead, in strange hands.
I anticipate their questions --
Why did you leave?
Why did you stay away?
Why do you want to come back?
Why did you stay away?
Why do you want to come back?
I had to leave. I needed air. I needed to heal. I lived, breathed, ate, drank, swam in teaching. Three thousand miles from home, living in a small apartment with three other teachers, the classroom kept me sane and drove me crazy. It was an oxygen mask and a pillow over my face. I was exhausted.
I left to come home - to return to a coast and a mindset that made sense. I left to be with family and friends who knew me. I left because as much as I loved it, as much as I loved them, I felt spent and depleted. My batteries needed to be recharged.
I never meant to stay away so long. I almost came back, but I wasn't quite ready. The scars were still too pink, and the memories were a little to raw. My thoughts were of the hours, the planning, the grading, and the discipline. So I picked another road - a familiar one. I returned to the place that had filled me with the desire and the passion that fueled my teaching in the first place. It was a job that could be left in an office - with tasks that could wait until morning. I found other ways to fill my evenings. And I wrote...but not about planning, or grading, or discipline. Instead, the stories that poured onto the pages and filled notebooks were about the laughter, and the lightbulbs, and the joy. The flood of memories told the story of second grade magic.
So, I'm coming back because I want to come back. I'm coming back with a balanced understanding of the challenges and the rewards. I recognize my responsibilities to my students and to myself - we'll all be happier if I don't live, breathe, eat, and drink my job. Most importantly, I come back knowing that this is what I'm meant to do, whether in a little town that feels more like home than anyplace I've been in my adult life, or the city I never wanted to live in until I left...even on the days that end in tears.
I left to come home - to return to a coast and a mindset that made sense. I left to be with family and friends who knew me. I left because as much as I loved it, as much as I loved them, I felt spent and depleted. My batteries needed to be recharged.
I never meant to stay away so long. I almost came back, but I wasn't quite ready. The scars were still too pink, and the memories were a little to raw. My thoughts were of the hours, the planning, the grading, and the discipline. So I picked another road - a familiar one. I returned to the place that had filled me with the desire and the passion that fueled my teaching in the first place. It was a job that could be left in an office - with tasks that could wait until morning. I found other ways to fill my evenings. And I wrote...but not about planning, or grading, or discipline. Instead, the stories that poured onto the pages and filled notebooks were about the laughter, and the lightbulbs, and the joy. The flood of memories told the story of second grade magic.
So, I'm coming back because I want to come back. I'm coming back with a balanced understanding of the challenges and the rewards. I recognize my responsibilities to my students and to myself - we'll all be happier if I don't live, breathe, eat, and drink my job. Most importantly, I come back knowing that this is what I'm meant to do, whether in a little town that feels more like home than anyplace I've been in my adult life, or the city I never wanted to live in until I left...even on the days that end in tears.
4 comments:
Beautifully written. You've described the feelings that echo within me as well.
I love this, K!! I think you're on the right path and will find the right balance this time around ... and what lucky, lucky kids. :)
oh kris, to read this after hearing you read it: heavenly! on behalf of the universe, thank you thank you. and if it turns out to be this little town, you know i will welcome you with open arms!
Lora--I think sometimes you need to take a break from the daily grind to realize what a great job it is!
M--Thanks :) I can't wait to see where I land. Less than TWO WEEKS!! xo
KJ, I love our Monday group and I love writing with you! Not sure where I'll land, but you are part of what makes Noho home.
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