Head spinning and shoulders aching,
hands reaching up and out,
pulling through the water.
Each stroke brings a question:
Is this it?
Where you want to be?
Can you ever be certain?
A gulp of air and the questions start again.
Shoud you take the leap and step into the darkness?
Or leave both feet firmly planted on steady ground?
Are you better off here?
Was it the right choice?
Another blast of air, then the body spins forward,
flipping and bursting off of the wall,
back to where you came from.
But can you go back?
It would be different this time, right?
Could it be easier?
Will feeling safe and grounded make it better?
This time, a gasp of air,
shoulders throbbing and legs dragging.
Is the voice in the back of your head right, as it echoes old truths?
What will you do if it's not enough?
What's really so bad about hwere you are?
Could it be enough?
A deep breath and another flip,
hurtling back in the other direction,
the body ping-ponging like the questions in your head.
Legs begin to kick with this breath,
urging the body forward towards the finish,
away from unanswered questions.
Showing posts with label Big Yellow. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Big Yellow. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Monday at the BY
N pointed out that a week from tonight, I'll be headed to the airport to pick her up. And a week from tomorrow, we see many BY friends. I'm so excited.
Here's my latest from my weekly BY group. NFN has been asking to hear more about my living situation--I could write for weeks--you all might hear some of it next weekend. But here's a little bit.
Sara unlocked the door to the apartment and stepped inside. She dropped a blue plastic bin overflowing with math tests and noun worksheets on the floor of the living room and grabbed a coke from the fridge. None of her roommates were back from work yet, so Sara settled in on the living room floor with her green pen, grade book and papers.
About halfway through the math tests, Sara heard a key in the door. Allison walked in and was down the hall in her bedroom before Sara could even say hello--not that Sara made any effort to call after her, either. After a year of living together, Sarah had grown tired of making the effort. Maybe this made her an equal partner in the problem.
Allison came back down the hall to flip through the mail on the kitchen table. She hadn't been home in a few days, so there was a stack.
"Hi, Al," Sara said, hesitantly.
Allison mumbled a greeting in return.
"How's it going? How's geometry?"
"Fine. Busy," Allison replied quickly before returning to her bedroom.
When Allison left 20 minutes later, Sara didn't even look up from her papers.
If someone came into the apartment and didn't know any better, one would assume that a group of friends occupied the small 2 bedroom, 2 bath apartment. The mantle and bookshelf were scattered with old family and friend photos of all four girls. Two desktop computers sat side-by-side on a long desk against the back wall of the living room.
Not so obvious was the fact that the four girls only had one bookshelf and one mantle, so it had to be shared space. The second bedroom was just big enough for two twin beds and two dressers, so the computers had to be in the living room. The kitchen table, which appeared homey with four bright placemats, was rarely used.
Sara had been sharing this space for almost a year. When she had decided to move 3,000 miles from home, the thought of living "in community" was appealling--not so scary to leave your whole world behind if you weren't going to be alone.
Here's my latest from my weekly BY group. NFN has been asking to hear more about my living situation--I could write for weeks--you all might hear some of it next weekend. But here's a little bit.
Sara unlocked the door to the apartment and stepped inside. She dropped a blue plastic bin overflowing with math tests and noun worksheets on the floor of the living room and grabbed a coke from the fridge. None of her roommates were back from work yet, so Sara settled in on the living room floor with her green pen, grade book and papers.
About halfway through the math tests, Sara heard a key in the door. Allison walked in and was down the hall in her bedroom before Sara could even say hello--not that Sara made any effort to call after her, either. After a year of living together, Sarah had grown tired of making the effort. Maybe this made her an equal partner in the problem.
Allison came back down the hall to flip through the mail on the kitchen table. She hadn't been home in a few days, so there was a stack.
"Hi, Al," Sara said, hesitantly.
Allison mumbled a greeting in return.
"How's it going? How's geometry?"
"Fine. Busy," Allison replied quickly before returning to her bedroom.
When Allison left 20 minutes later, Sara didn't even look up from her papers.
If someone came into the apartment and didn't know any better, one would assume that a group of friends occupied the small 2 bedroom, 2 bath apartment. The mantle and bookshelf were scattered with old family and friend photos of all four girls. Two desktop computers sat side-by-side on a long desk against the back wall of the living room.
Not so obvious was the fact that the four girls only had one bookshelf and one mantle, so it had to be shared space. The second bedroom was just big enough for two twin beds and two dressers, so the computers had to be in the living room. The kitchen table, which appeared homey with four bright placemats, was rarely used.
Sara had been sharing this space for almost a year. When she had decided to move 3,000 miles from home, the thought of living "in community" was appealling--not so scary to leave your whole world behind if you weren't going to be alone.
Monday, October 30, 2006
Magic Happens There
As we walked up the hill from our offices on Friday afternoon, my friend and colleague JD looked at me and said, "You're living life right." I had just told her of my weekend plans--to gather with old friends and new in a cozy living room in a big yellow house in Northampton.
I thought a lot about JD's comment this weekend. When I sit in that living room, pen on paper, I revisit a time in my life that was lonely and miserable. I felt isolated partly because I was--both physically and emotionally--and partly because I didn't know how to seek out connections in that strange city.
When I moved to MA last summer, Nerissa suggested that I join a writing workshop and I figured, "What the hell?" I never expected to discover the safety, security, community and joy that I've experienced in my writing workshops. So, I keep coming back--I delve deeper and deeper into my three years in L.A. All the while I am mindful of the fact that I'm making up for lost time. I am taking advantage of an opportunity that makes me happy and whole and leaves me "under the influence."
I'm going to fall in line behind *A* and give you a "top ten" weekend recap:
1) Team George. Rematch in March?
2) The hootenanny at kj and jb's house.
3) Songwriters...what a fabulous addition to the group!!
4) The power blowing out in A & my room on Sunday morning.
5) Seeing 3D (shy) versions of Charlotte and Iris.
6) Successfully fitting 11 of us (plus Lila) around the dinner table for family dinner on Saturday night.
7) Wandering through "Faces" with A & N on Saturday afternoon.
8) Thai food on the way out of town on Sunday.
9) Lila (c'mon, she had to make my top 10)
10) The exciting, fresh and totally outstanding writing that came out of this weekend from all of our pens and guitars.
This past weekend couldn't have been more perfect. It was the reunion I'd been waiting for with my January friends--with some perfect additions to the crowd. I look forward to our March reunion.
I thought a lot about JD's comment this weekend. When I sit in that living room, pen on paper, I revisit a time in my life that was lonely and miserable. I felt isolated partly because I was--both physically and emotionally--and partly because I didn't know how to seek out connections in that strange city.
When I moved to MA last summer, Nerissa suggested that I join a writing workshop and I figured, "What the hell?" I never expected to discover the safety, security, community and joy that I've experienced in my writing workshops. So, I keep coming back--I delve deeper and deeper into my three years in L.A. All the while I am mindful of the fact that I'm making up for lost time. I am taking advantage of an opportunity that makes me happy and whole and leaves me "under the influence."
I'm going to fall in line behind *A* and give you a "top ten" weekend recap:
1) Team George. Rematch in March?
2) The hootenanny at kj and jb's house.
3) Songwriters...what a fabulous addition to the group!!
4) The power blowing out in A & my room on Sunday morning.
5) Seeing 3D (shy) versions of Charlotte and Iris.
6) Successfully fitting 11 of us (plus Lila) around the dinner table for family dinner on Saturday night.
7) Wandering through "Faces" with A & N on Saturday afternoon.
8) Thai food on the way out of town on Sunday.
9) Lila (c'mon, she had to make my top 10)
10) The exciting, fresh and totally outstanding writing that came out of this weekend from all of our pens and guitars.
This past weekend couldn't have been more perfect. It was the reunion I'd been waiting for with my January friends--with some perfect additions to the crowd. I look forward to our March reunion.
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