I have a hard time letting go...and, of course, it's very easy to hold on...tight...and too long. This afternoon, there was a goodbye reception for the Dean of HC--24 years of service to the College. There were speeches and tears--people who were having trouble letting go. It got me thinking about my own patterns of moving on and letting go (or hanging on).
Goodbyes suck. The voluntary ones are bad enough--graduations, moves, job changes. I avoid the goodbye for as long as possible and sometimes all together, even though we all see it coming a mile away. I feel like I'm letting go of a part of myself when I say goodbye to a person or a place. And I am. I went to Mexico at the end of my sophomore year at HC. It was a 2 week immersion trip that wow-ed, awed and humbled me. As I listened to person after person share stories of faith in the face of poverty and hopelessness, I took a part of them with me--and left a part of myself there. It's how we stay connected, how we remain whole and yet break all at the same time.
However, it's the involuntary goodbyes that kill me. Ones that begin with a misunderstanding, or a fight, or poorly chosen words that cause a rift that is never bridged again. I haven't had *too* many of these in my life, but one in particular is painful to even think about. Her little boy is going to be 4 this week, so I always think about her this time of year. While I surely made some mistakes, there was also a lot of misunderstanding and she only got to hear one side of the story. She is one of the strongest, bravest women I've ever known, but the things that made her strong and brave also made her fearful and easily shattered by those she trusts most. A small mistake, error or misstep is a collosal betrayal. I get that, I know why, but it doesn't make accepting the goodbye any easier. She is continuing to go through tough times and I want more than anything for her to know I'm still out here if she needs me, even if I am 3,000 miles away. I miss her terribly, so much so that 2 years later, I still cry myself to sleep on occasion (which I detest admitting, so I'm not sure why I am. I don't cry often (even though I've mentioned crying 2x in 48 hours on this blog!) and the fact that I cry over this is a mystery to me, but I do).
Gee, that was depressing and pointless. I had lunch with my "student leader" for the CLC today. A really cool little sophomore--she's adorable. Really involved in many things that I did at HC, so I felt we bonded--LOL. I'm excited to get started on Wednesday night. There are 9 frosh and soph girls in our group. I'm interested to hear about who they are and what they want to get out of this group. To be a frosh in college again--they're all probably confused and terrified, but what I wouldn't give to live that part of my life again, even for just a few days.
sunshine on my floor, you're the book i've halfway read (one hundred names, the nields)
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