oldest child syndrome

There are several ways the oldest child syndrome manifests. There's the perfectionist, the over-achiever, the people pleaser. I'm the people pleaser. I'm not a perfectionist, really...though I want to succeed, I want to do well, it's not the kind of drive some oldest kids have. I suppose I'm a bit of an over-achiever...I did really well in school--I liked making my parents proud (oh, look at that people pleasing!). Really, it was always about wanting people to like me--my teachers, other mentors, my peers--a never-ending battle.

The problem with people pleasing is that I constantly put other people before me. I think of how my choices will affect everyone around me. Of course, no choice is ever going to make everyone happy and I'm always going to let someone down. I hate that. I torture myself when making decisions, big and small. If I take the job in MA, then I'm disappointing my family in DC, abandoning the girls I could be teaching in B-more...even though MA will make me happier. For 3 days, I went back and forth, trying to decide which decision would make the most people happy--not what would make me happy. It's a vicious cycle. I've had numerous people in my life try to get me to put myself first--but it seems selfish to me. Intellectually, I know it's not, but I don't know how to get around my heart. I knew what the right job was...and I eventually took it and it IS right. Yet, now, when people ask me what I do, I always qualify it with "I used to teach and I'll go back to it someday." Like people will judge me or look down on me or something if I just say "This is my job and right now, I love it."

I'm really rambling right now. Y'all have A to thank for this--her earlier blog got me thinking. No easy answers and I don't see a change coming anytime soon. Just something for me to think about.

forgiveness for the things i've done you blame me for (for good, wicked)